Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize