Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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