From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
