I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I smell like Dick and happiness
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
