apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize