Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
