Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
