Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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