Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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