Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
3 2 1 whiskey
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
