if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
