I am in a vortex of obligation.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
