The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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