Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
