So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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