I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
