i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
