So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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