On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
this hospital has no fireball
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
