Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
