Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
