She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I love you.
Bad choice
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