I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
