I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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