Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
