I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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