my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
