He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
