Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
