I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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