Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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