so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize