OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i think i have two assholes
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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