There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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