haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
