I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
