just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The air taste purple.
Randomize