Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I have fence marks all over my body
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
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