Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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