Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
