Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
