You're earring is so big in my mouth
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
