I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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