and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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