i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
