I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
