well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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