shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
