I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
