you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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