You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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