We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
