NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
