well I can't set my house on fire every night
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
