Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize