I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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