I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
