this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
