The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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