I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
