my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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