the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
