If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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