my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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