Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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