So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
