i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
